By Jameela Paladan
DEAR TORCHBEARER:
Hey! I’m one of the students from your first advice column, although I now go by another name. Question: have you ever wondered if the people behind these troubles could be one of the closest people in your life? Perhaps you’ve looked at someone and wondered if they were the ones who made an entry. But oh well, you can’t do anything about it. Hmm, we simply chose to remain anonymous.
I’ve been having this bad, and I mean really bad issue — it’s my inability to recognize friendships. This certain thing can make me see this as a joke in myself, but when it isn’t, it can make a crack in an already big fracture.
I’ve had a pretty okay childhood in life, but it really stemmed from one of my longest friendships, TM. They’ve had issues as a kid, but I wasn’t informed that it was seen as a bad thing. I didn’t even realize that them forcing me to come over to their house was already seen as manipulation until last year. Or when whining and physically ouchie-ing me wasn’t a good thing. This went on until I met more people—different kinds of people, who aren’t as much of an open book as the one I mentioned. They would talk to me as if I understand their innuendos or mentally organize my “position” as the annoying one in the so-called Friendship TM. Is friendship loud? Or is it this silent fond understanding? Which ones are good or bad based on their personalities?
This heightened my impulses, or the words I say, actions I do — it can make me say words that hurt them or make the atmosphere go stiffy. The quirks I have all reflect what they have shaped me into. I’ve tamed myself now to go with this template of never going personal or too deep with anybody at all. I prefer being with children, where being loud and annoying can’t be something that bothers them. It’s not exactly being myself but it’s the randomness and childlike wonder they have that I admire.
Don’t worry! I’ve made peace with it now, already acknowledging that I will never really have a friend, but just acquaintances that come and go. I’m not stuck in this template that I have, but it really makes me wonder and fear if it has slowly become my personality — one that can hinder me from unconsciously making long-lasting connections.
Shouldn’t I be doing more than that? Isn’t it a basic human thing to know what a friend is? I’ve never felt so true or genuine with anyone, would it feel fulfilling as to be able to type or say “She’s my friend.” without feeling uncomfortable? (Yes it felt weird typing that word at the moment).
As of now, some do treat me like a genuine friend would. I just have a ridiculously hard time receiving and processing such a mentally confusing title. I observed that it can be hurtful to others if I don’t recognize it as a friendship. Yikes.
– isfrogsouptasty
DEAR ISFROGSOUPTASTY:
That’s a great question! And yes, I have wondered that a few times. It is truly amazing how anyone, no matter how close they are to you and how happy they may seem, lies a troubled situation waiting to unfold.
Finding and maintaining friendships is difficult. Some people really just come and go, and it’s nothing to worry about, there will always be space and time for more friendships to develop.
How you feel about this problem is not wrong! It is normal to feel discouraged and blocked out from socializing with people as you are afraid that when you become friends, it’ll fade away. Often, we tend to outgrow multiple friendships that come into our lives. Some reasons could be miscommunication, few interactions, and having different things in common. Things like that are most likely the reasons why we may feel disconnected. Again, this is completely normal, this should not stop you from finding friends and interacting with people often!
I’m sure plenty of people consider you a friend—no matter how unique your personality is.
And you certainly shouldn’t feel like you have to change yourself for them to have interest in you and stay. It is hard to figure out how to manage that feeling. I’ve felt this way as well, in fact — many people have. It’s really about giving it time and waiting until the right friend comes.
On the other hand, these are ways you can find and maintain friendships:
1. Find someone you have similar interests with. If you guys love the same topics, you could talk about them for hours!
2. Be open to communication. Communicate feelings and misunderstandings.
3. Find someone you’re comfortable with. Someone you enjoy talking to and can open up to. Don’t force a friendship wherein you don’t feel safe, loved, and cared for.
4. Be friendly. Treat them how you’d want to be treated, with respect and kind manners.
5. Lastly, don’t be afraid to reach out to them. Most friendships don’t happen because of what your mind is telling you, push all those what-ifs away and go for it!
– Torchbearer, Jameela Paladan